Everything You Need To Know About Type One Diabetes

*As always, by reading any copyright content on this blog you are agreeing to the terms and conditions stated here. Do remember all content is based on my personal experience only and is not intended as medical advice.*

It never fails to baffle me just how little people know about Type One Diabetes, so I guessed a quick-one-stop-shop for everything you need to know about T1D, whether you're an employer, friend, family member, partner or just nosy, may be of some use to direct people.

So here it is, your quick guide if you know a person living with Diabetes and want to clue yourself up. Read below some short, simple statements in attempt to answer your questions and cover the basics.

What is Diabetes?

Insulin injection pens, needle and blood glucose meter

Type One Diabetes is an autoimmune condition where the pancreas stops producing a hormone called insulin. Insulin is used by the body to turn food into energy, which your body then uses as fuel so you can go about your normal day. Insulin keeps your blood glucose levels in range so you can function and perform everyday activities. 
People with type one diabetes need to manually input insulin into their body every day by using insulin injections or an insulin pump and have to monitor their blood glucose levels using a blood glucose meter. They have to take a dose of insulin every time they eat.

Insulin Pump

Type Two Diabetes, is substantially different, and develops when the body cannot produce enough insulin or for whatever reason, the insulin that is produced doesn't work properly. Type two diabetes can be treated with lifestyle changes, diet and medication. 
People living with T2D may be moved to insulin injections in some circumstances.

What does living with type one diabetes mean?

Each time a person with Diabetes eats they need to take a dose of insulin. This is calculated manually by a ratio agreed with their medical team. People with Diabetes can eat whatever they want, as long as they calculate the carbohydrate content in every meal, snack or sugary drink.

After a diagnosis of type one diabetes you need to ensure your blood glucose levels are at a safe level so you can go about your usual activities. As those with diabetes are replacing what is an automatic function from a healthy organ in a non-diabetics body, the room for error with insulin doses and meals is increased. This means we can have high blood sugar (HYPERGLYCEMIA), when there is too much glucose in our body, or low blood sugar (HYPOGLYCEMIA) , when there is not enough glucose in our body. Each are treated differently.

Symptoms of  high blood sugar include but are not limited to:

• Extreme Thirst
• Tiredness
• Irritable

High blood sugars usually require what is called a 'correction insulin dose', this is usually a small amount of insulin to bring down your blood glucose level into a safe range. Drinking fluids may also be used to re-hydrate the body.

Symptoms of low blood sugar include but are not limited to:

• Shaking
• Slurred Speech
• Confusion

Low blood sugars require fast acting glucose, like Lucozade, to stabilise the blood glucose level into a safe range. People experiencing a low blood sugar may need 15-20 minutes in a quiet room to treat their levels.

Will I ever need to ring 999?

There is two circumstances where you may need to ring the emergency services. 

1. If a low blood sugar becomes so low that the person with diabetes cannot give themselves fast acting glucose. If blood glucose levels drop too low the individual will have a hypoglycemic fit, because the brain is starved of glucose, and in turn cannot function properly. 

The general rule is if the person becomes unresponsive, call an ambulance.

2. If a high blood sugar goes too high, the glucose in the blood will turn acidic and may lead to a fatal condition called DIABETIC KETOACIDOSIS. If you are aware the person with Diabetes has a high blood sugar, and cannot keep food or liquids down, they need to go to hospital. 

Once admitted through A&E, they will be treated with IV insulin and fluids to re-hydrate the body.

Anything else?

Most importantly, having type one diabetes is not a label, and it does not stop you from doing anything.

Insulin Pump Therapy And Me - Week 1

About two weeks ago, by the time you're reading this, I started insulin pump therapy. Below are notes that I made at the time, when I was aiming to do bi-weekly posts, but it turns out starting on a pump takes a fair share of my energy. Take a read of my mutterings.

5th February, 2017 - The Night Before The Big Day

I feel like I have a great deal of pressure on my shoulders, and the reality that this new treatment may not suit me is all to apparent in my mind. 'What if it's not been worth it? What if I hate it? What if I've wasted everyone's time?' seems to be circulating my mind. A cycle of self doubt, if you will. There is so much uncertainty and I'm not one for gambling, especially when it comes to my life in my hands. These worries have no evidence, just irrational and out of proportion. I guess it's the devil on my shoulder.
I've had a quiet day, ironically with it being my last day on injections, my blood sugars have been perfect, no highs or lows. What I like to think of as 'the calm before the storm'. I opted for a lower carb dinner in hopes for a stable overnight.
Early bedtime, I want to be rested for tomorrow.
I feel calm.
Oddly so.

6th February  - The Big Day

❝I cried because for the first time in my life, I felt genuinely well and capable and healthy..❞

I wake early, tired, but treat a hypo and drag myself out of bed. I shower, run my hand over my stomach and thought this is it, this is the last time I'll do this without a cannula attached to me for a while. I feel an ache of sadness, but only for a second. I am sure this is what I want to do, however many times I've tried to talk myself out of it. I finish getting ready and grab a banana for breakfast whilst taking my last injection. Before I have time to doubt myself further, Mum and I are out the door and on our way to the hospital.

The beautiful sunrise on my way to the hospital

Whilst on our way, Mum kept asking if I was excited, and was looking at my face for some kind of physical reaction. It doesn't feel real and it won't until I can see everything with my own eyes. On our walk to the hospital we walked to a hill that overlooks the city. I've always had a thing for sunrises/sets, so seeing this beautiful mix of blue, purple and orange seemed pretty poignant. It was a new day, a new dawn and I'm feeling...well, anxious.

We arrived at clinic, where I met the other lady starting pump with me (S I'm not sure you wanted to be named, forgive me!), we filled in lots of paperwork, made some small talk, and off we went. The next 4 hours are a bit hazy in my memory if I'm honest, so much information.

By 11am, I had inserted my first cannula, primed my first infusion set, navigated my way around the insulin pump and was officially.. pumping insulin! Off I went on my merry way, trying to soak every snippet of advice like a sponge. For the rest of the day my body was running solely on endorphin's and insulin. I felt so good, every emotion I felt over the past year suddenly became worth it.

God bless the NHS

Mum and I went to a local pub for lunch, where I took my first 'big' bolus dose, the amount of trust you have to put in this small box is absolutely insane, and something that will take a bit of getting used to. We then walked home, my bloods behaving beautifully. I sat down for a grand total of an hour, and spent my evening with my sister, her best-friend and my girlfriend, a celebratory drink was had, and I learnt how to handle alcohol on an insulin pump. Okay, I lied, it didn't go that smoothly, but I kept myself safe and that is all that matters!
I ended the night with an albeit not entirely sober cry, it had been an emotional day and I was so tired. 

And so the adventure begins, the next few days were glorious, I was the picture of health and boy did it feel good.
My blood glucose levels were perfectly in range as I still had basal insulin in my system. I cried because for the first time in my life, I felt genuinely well and capable and healthy. As opposed to being exhausted and anxious about my blood glucose levels all the time. That feeling I felt on those initial days is my driving force.

Over the next few months I will be fine-tuning my rates, factors and ratios in hopes to re-gain control of my bloods. I've had a fair few wobbles, and my bloods are running extremely high whilst I work with my nurses and consultants to get things right, but I am okay. I am excited for where this journey will take me, and how good I will feel as a result of my hard work and resilience.

My insulin pump and I, a work in progress

My Journey To Insulin Pump Therapy

So when I titled this piece 'My Journey', I wasn't just being sensationalist, although there is an element of that let's not lie, but it's taken me a full year to gain access to an insulin pump, so it feels pretty monumental to finally be here. And by here, I mean 1 week until I start using a pump...(eek!)

My chosen insulin pump (Accu Chek Spirit Combo) on the right,
and my blood glucose meter on the left which acts as a
 remote and connects to the pump via Bluetooth

Firstly, for those of you who don't know, an insulin pump is a small, mobile phone sized device that releases insulin throughout the day. The insulin is provided via a flexible tube (cannula) which is inserted under the skin and has to be changed every 2-3 days. Essentially, it's just a different way to administer insulin for those of us with a dodgy pancreas.

Let's take a look at the steps I have taken to get to this point.

28th February 2016 / Decision Time - Shortly after getting involved in the Diabetes Online Community (DOC), I found myself more accepting of the idea of having a pump where I'd previously been psychologically held back by the thought of constant attachment. I researched and decided the next step in my care; I wanted an insulin pump. At this point I was still under the care of my paediatric team,  I was 17, turning 18 and was going to transition to adult services. So I tried to be clever and did my outright best to get a pump from paediatrics, as I'd heard funding was limited in adults, I was told that I was of low priority for a pump; I don't have any complications and my control is neither extremes, amazing or poor so I should wait until I transition. Deep breath, this road was looking to be longer than I'd hoped.

First infusion set (was very exciting at the time)

10th March / Small Steps -  As a compromise and during my last few months with paeds, I was able to try out my first infusion set which was a huge step for me (see photo.) I spent months chasing my DSN and we decided I would transition early in hopes to get an insulin pump. Between March and June I was waiting to move to adult services, not much I could do here to speed up pump process.

6th June / Taking Charge- I referred myself into the adults 'pump clinic' and had my first appointment with my new team, I had now 'transitioned' my care from one team to another, from a set of HCPs who had known me since I was 4 years old. We agreed at this appointment that I would need to attend an education course prior to starting insulin pump therapy (IPT). The ball was finally rolling and I felt pretty awesome, my motivation was at an all time high as I took the reigns of my own healthcare.

June-October / Request For Support - This is where things got a little complicated, to cut a long story short, because I moved to adult services without the transition service, I got lost in the system and fell under the radar of my adult team. I lost contact and spent the best part of 3 months in diabetic burnout. I was desperate for help and watched any glycemic control I thought I had, collapse. I lost a lot of confidence, any support I had was online, where my blog was thriving, but it was all so fake. It felt wrong to advise others, I needed to regain control of my own life. So between moments of motivation, I mustered the energy to compose a few emails to the adult clinic. Throughout this period I received letters to say that there was progress in terms of getting a place on an education course, but nothing seemed to be moving forward. With the support, encouragement and confidence from those closest to me, I got back in contact with the team, and was introduced to the adolescent specialists. I spent a while re-building any trust I once had, and have solidified my faith in their care since.

8th November / Support Provided - Here is where my hard work begins to pay off, I got an email late one Friday evening saying there had been a dropout in the Nov run of the education course, the only hurdle between me and pump therapy. So I jumped at the chance, the next 5 weeks were spent in weekly sessions learning how to adjust my insulin doses. Albeit information I had heard before, but after being diagnosed as a toddler it was refreshing to hear it all first-hand and see how advice has changed since 2002. I cannot fault my time completing the course, the information I learnt is simply invaluable. There is something to be said for peer-support just 5 minutes from home.

Practising with infusion sets ready for pump start

December / Experiments- Now I had completed the course, I knew the next step was to take control and be proactive, so I decided to jump ahead and spent the first half of the month testing out different infusion sets. I did so in the hopes I can reduce my errors once I begin pumping and to get used to the physical attachment of a wire hanging from my body all the time. In these two weeks I changed my cannula every 3 days, like I would have to do if I were pumping insulin. It was fun, shall we say, you can read all about my challenges in a post I wrote here.

Filling out my 'Pump Goals' prior to an appointment

2nd January 2017 / Paperwork - After a delay in appointments and a few emails back and fourth, I had my first 'pump appointment', and established my goals for insulin pump therapy. Since the start of January I have had weekly appointments with a member of the pump team to fine tune my basal/bolus rates so when I start pump we can be fairly confident with the initial settings. I have to keep a diary of food/activity each day, and I will be wearing Freestyle Libre sensors over the next month.

I've fantasised over the idea of an insulin pump since Feb last year, and now it's real, my official pump start day is the 6th February!! It has required a lot of chasing on my part, and a huge element of being a proactive patient, which isn't for everybody, all the time - why do you think I spent 3 months in burnout?! Once I start pump I have a 6 month trial period, which consists of intense appointments. So it's going to be exhausting but absolutely worth it.

It has been a hell of a ride, and at times I've thought that it's not been not worth it, but we got there in the end. To say I am terrified to start IPT would be an understatement, I have been told that starting pump is like being diagnosed all over again, but I feel confident that I have the best support network around me. There's only three words to end this post, bring it on.

Amber xx

Freestyle Libre - 7 Months On

An arty shot, if you will.

If you are new to The Freestyle Libre you can read about my first impressions and discover the initial problems I faced here. With that aside, I am here to share you where I am, 7 months on, the advantages, disadvantages and my tips if you are thinking about investing in this technology. Which for the record, is very expensive.

I would like to point out here that I do not fault the company, or their product in the slightest, in fact it's quite the opposite. I truly believe the Freestyle Libre Flash Glucose Monitor is a game-changer for many people with Diabetes. As always, my mutterings here on Diabetesgeek are purely my experience alone, you may feel different and that's awesome too.

Months 1-1.8 (Yes I did just do that)
I was swept off my feet and very much enchanted with my new found freedom when I first got my hands on my Libre. You can read a poem I wrote  about how I felt about Libs, a friendly nickname I gave to my handset, we were a great pair for a while. On our first day I learnt the importance of pre-blousing.. I now shout about this to all of my new diabuddies! It was something I was always told to do as a kiddiwink but never did, I learnt very quickly with the Freestyle Libre that spikes are hard to ignore (understatement of the century on my part).
You'll have noticed by now that I am writing in past tense, of which I feel bad.. I still love this technology. I just wish my brain wasn't wired into overdrive. I jumped into using the Libre with little idea of how it would affect my mental health, which ended up turning into a big black hole. I hope some of you planning on buying the Freestyle Libre system take my experience on board. I learnt the hard way, and I write in hopes others don't have to. 

Months 2-5
By the end of my second month using the Libre continuously* I began running into a few problems, which I blogged about (linked at the top of this piece.) In short, I was seeing data I didn't like and I wasn't sure how to cope with it, so I did as any other would, I carried on using the Libre and in turn was overwhelmed with data. I was putting in all the effort and not seeing the results I wanted or deserved. This cycle carried on for months which led me to my longest Burnout period to date- a hellish 3 months, from September right through to December. In that time my mental health turned to shit, my blood glucose levels were fluctuating more than I had ever known and I felt awful. At no point did I completely stop testing my bloods or stop taking insulin, thankfully I've not done that since I was about 8.

I didn't help myself either, which is important to point out here, I lost contact with my diabetic team for several reasons, I hope to blog about it one day. I wanted no input from health care professionals.. I was frustrated, in every sense of the word.
Frustrated this expensive technology seemed nothing but a horrible experience, frustrated that I couldn't handle this by myself, frustrated that I had to reach out for help and frustrated with, what felt like, lack of solutions.
A huge lesson I have learnt retrospectively is this, if you are going to invest in this tech, please please please work in partnership with your HCPs. For your safety, to preserve any blood glucose control you think you have and to keep everyone in the loop, use all the resources you have. Whilst in my 3 months of burnout I fell into some pretty bad habits, most of which I don't feel comfortable enough to talk about on here yet, which could have seriously damaged my health, so please, just keep yourself safe. 

*we shall speak more about this later.

Months 6-7
I began to take breaks between sensors, almost giving myself some kind of messed-up respite from what was supposed to be this grand piece of technology. I found returning to finger-pricks made me feel more free than the Libre did, which is the opposite of what you expect when you first research the tech. Finger-pricking broke me from this cycle of what felt like never ending misery and shitty data. Shitty data I didn't know how to handle. It went from finger prick snapshots which were never awful, to 24 hour graphs of my blood glucose, I saw every missed unit of insulin, every messed-up correction dose and every over-treated hypo. It drove me to the point of insanity. I literally felt like I was on the verge of a mental meltdown, which looking back on it now, was exactly where I was at in my 3 month period of burnout. I'm not sure if my blood glucose levels are genuinely better when finger-pricking, or if I just don't test when I know I've only just eaten and my bloods are bound to be higher than I'd like. Whichever it is, either is better than the crap I was seeing on my daily graphs, sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Moreover, *I felt bad each day I didn't wear a Libre sensor, because my parents were forking out such a lot of money for it, I almost felt obliged to wear them. Listen to your body, you know it better than anyone else ever will.

Luckily, in December I had the opportunity to complete a 'carb counting education course' through my hospital, another topic I plan to blog about in the near future, so many topics, so little time! On said course, HCPs advised I seriously re-considered using the Freestyle Libre because of the unhealthy habits I'd adopted. I think that was the point where I realised my eating habits had become, to put it politely, screwed. I learnt so much invaluable information whilst on the course but mainly that a lot of others get overwhelmed by the data that us T1's are so immersed in, especially when you're not sure what to do with the information you've collated. So I took the advice given, and since I have stuck to finger-pricking alone and have never felt better. 

That is not to say I won't ever use the Libre again, I hope be in a place mentally, where I can make the most of this fabulous technology. I didn't use it under the best of circumstances, given I was not in contact with my HCPs which I do not recommend (another understatement). I had issues with my target range, that's another topic for another day as well as trying to change my diet to avoid spikes, all of which I could have resolved if I was in contact with my team at the hospital. Communication is key, especially when it comes to your everyday health.
I still have two sensors to use, but I will be scanning with one eye shut. I still feel so blessed that my parents are in a position to fund this technology for me. When used correctly, and in partnership with your health care professionals, the Freestyle Libre is a game-changer for most. This attitude I still very much believe in.


To summarise, my Top Tips are as follows..


- I mentioned it earlier, but I'm going to say it again.  If you are going to invest in this technology, please please please work in partnership with your HCPs. They can help you, and if they are not familiar with the Freestyle Libre software, teach them or find someone that can.

A note from me, to you. - A

- You don't have to wear the Libre sensors all the time. Don't feel obliged to wear them just because you are fortunate enough that you can afford them. Order the starter kit, use the first two sensors and test the waters, so to speak. Be sensible, you know your body better than anybody else does.

- Take breaks between sensors. If just for a couple of days, let your brain rest from the constant stream of data. Returning to finger-pricks is not all as bad or as hard work as it seems.

- You're doing great.


If you read to the end of this post then have my many congratulations because I've quite literally written an essay, but as always, even if this just helps one person and they find they can relate, then my time spent brain-farting on a keyboard was completely worth it. Thank you for reading!

Amber xx

Twitter: @diabetes_geek 

Testing Testing, 1, 2, 3...

****Disclaimer- If you too feel this would be beneficial to you please consult your health care professionals so you can count on solid advice and help if anything does go wrong. As always, this is in no way intended to be medical advice, I am not qualified to offer anything but my own experience.****

Over the past two weeks I have conducted some what of a self-experiment and have been trying out infusion sets for when I start insulin pump therapy (IPT) in the new year. I have not been attached to a pump but simply the cannula to get into the habit of changing it every 3 days.

Can we also abolish the 'diabetes=overweight' stereotype,
it gets boring after a while, ta.

Now you may be asking 'Why you hell would you do that', have all the downsides of IPT and no advantages. Well the honest answer is because I am nervous. I want to prepare myself as much as I can for what will be a huge lifestyle change.
I would rather make mistakes with infusion sets when I don't have my lifeline plugged in at the other end.
In fact the longer I spend trialing sets the more my passion grows about this being a standard procedure.

The prospect of attachment and my reaction to the Freestyle Libre has made me cautious of any new diabetes technology I want to explore. This preliminary test is an attempt to preserve my mental health and most importantly to reassure myself that I will be able to cope with the constant attatchment. I can appriciate it seems a bit over the top, I just want to give IPT everything I've got when the time is right.

Failed infusion set - fun and games

Now I was hesitant about writing this post, because I must admit I've not had the best luck with these sets! Set one was fine as I was in the company of other PWD, set two was a painful little bugger (see photo), when I removed it after just 6 hours of discomfort I found the tube was bent. Set 3 was comfortable but it was a bleeder, and to be honest I'd rather not have my shower look like I've just committed a murder! I know I've made that out to sound comical, but when you've got no idea what is normal and what's not, it becomes pretty daunting. It was only through peer support that I was able to relax about said issues and know that it was through no fault of my own.

This was the first time I felt scared about IPT- genuine fear of the unknown. I know there's a lot I'm yet to learn, and that I will pick up lessons along the way, but for now I am making baby steps tentatively.

It was the first time I understood that my life will be down to this technology, and that's a scary but amazing prospect. As I run my hand over my top I reassure myself that one day this will feel normal. One day this odd piece of wire will feel as natural to me as the shoes upon my feet.
One day this little device, as well as an insulin pump, will be keeping me alive, and that will feel okay. For now, it's a little strange.

Thanks for reading,

Amber xx

A Tale Of #DOC Friendship - September 2016

In early September I took a trip to see my friend Niki who lives on the outskirts of Oxford. We decided we wanted to go to the same T1 London Meetup event, so it made sense that we just made a trip of it. Niki kindly offered me to stay with her for a total of two nights and three days. I was having a really tough time with Diabetes from September right through until December, my longest Burnout period to date. I also had a tough time at home so staying with Niki was a much welcomed break.

Day One - Niki met me at the train station and we clicked instantaneously just as we had online. We got over the two minute awkward chat about getting on the correct train and tackling my travel anxieties and headed straight to Oxford. We chatted burnout, traffic and our plans for the next three days whilst on our merry way.

The Botanic Gardens

Here Niki's extraordinary tour guiding skills began, I had never been to Oxford prior to this trip but it was always on my to-do-list. We went straight to the Botanical Gardens. By this point I knew Niki was a very special person, and that her gratitude, funniness and likeability transferred in real life, too.

Niki and I synced BG numbers!!

Whilst strolling around the gardens a man approached us and said he had T1 and spotted us from the Libre sensors on our arms! We had met another Diabetic in the wild - we were both overjoyed that he was nice enough to approach us. He must have thought it was a blue moon!

The Bridge of Sighs in Oxford
Niki why are we wearing the same colour?! 

We ran into a local cafe just as it started raining and took refuge in the incredibly yummy food that they served! Over lunch we talked illness, family and helped one another carb count our meals. We both scanned our Libres post meal and found we had matching blood glucose levels - we found great satisfaction in that!

Niki showed me around Radcliffe Square and we visited The Bodleian Library/The Radcliffe Camera and the Bridge of Sighs which were both key filming locations for the movie 'The Golden Compass'. You couldn't see any modern buildings for miles it was absolutely beautiful, we spoke a lot about the architecture of the universities' buildings as this is a shared interest we have!

We packed a lot into day one, so much so if I were to tell you every detail we'd both be here all day. We carried on being tourists, chatted, laughed and I think we even pushed the boat out and had another coffee - reckless right? We decided it was time to head home so we could get in our pyjamas. Niki had warned me that she lived in a zoo previously, but I didn't take her seriously.. 1 dog and 3 cats. I was introduced to Rubstaaar (that's Niki's brown Staffordshire Bull Terrier if you didn't know) and it was love at first sight. So Ruby and I snuggled down for the evening, I'm not even sure we put the TV on or if N and I just chatted the entire night. We were up until 1am because we just couldn't stop talking!

Three T1D's in a cafe in central London,
what could go wrong??
Left - Claire
Middle - myself
Right - Nikstaaar

Day Two - We got up early as we needed to travel into London to meet our friend Claire and then head to the T1 London meetup at a pub by Hyde Park. Both Niki and I regretted staying up late but wouldn't have changed it for the world. Whilst travelling into London via Reading station, I lost count of how many hypos I had, having to sit in St Pancras station whilst N had to run off to buy me more hypo supplies as I'd ran out on the 55 minute train journey. Niki was my absolute saviour, I'd never hypoed as much as I did in those three days. In fact a lot of my memories are blurred from our time together. If I were with anyone else I would have turned around and gone back home but Niki kept my spirits high. She was just awesome.

At the T1 London Meet-up with 'Twitter friends'

We met our friend Claire and headed to a cafe to grab a small bite to eat before the meet-up. We had been chatting on a group Whatsapp for months before we all met so it was easy to chat and gossip. Once we'd talked kids, business ideas and carbs we found the pub and went straight in for the diabetic meetup. We stayed there for the majority of the day and spoke to people that we had interacted with on Twitter,  it was cool to see them in real life as opposed to behind a computer screen. We headed home and debriefed each other on the days happenings. Niki and I were absolutely exhausted, we'd had such a busy two days so far.
If you hadn't guessed by now, we were up until the early hours of the morning chatting, regretting not even a minute.

Day Three - For the entire three days I spent with Niki she literally waited on me hand and foot, I was so emotionally fragile with the hypos being the least of my worries. Typing this retrospectively has bought all of my emotions back, I was in such a vulnerable head-space and I am so lucky that Niki came into my life when she did.

On our final day Niki drove us to Portsmouth so we could meet up with our friend Laura, who also has T1D. We got chatting and settled on Southsea Common and chatted about a whole range of things such us; dating, hospitals, work and friends. We watched the sun set and our bodies get colder as we tried to chase the sun and our day drew to a close.

Niki and I came to my HQ and sat on the sofa, trying to drag out what we knew had to be a goodbye. I can't delve much deeper into that part of the day because it's still raw for me. I had the most wonderful time with Niki meeting such wonderful people and exploring Oxford, that I didn't want to return back to normal life, which at the time happened to be pretty crap.

'Home is where all your attempts to escape cease'
<3

Meeting other T1's who you have spoken to online, in the real world is a feeling I could never do justice. I have never felt so safe and content than when I was with Niki so much so that I had a breakdown when she left. Within said breakdown I remember saying that I felt completely at home with Niki, and that was emotional stability that I was lacking elsewhere. I thoroughly enjoyed our three days even if they did fly-by!

"It's not a goodbye, just a see you later.."

When You Don’t Really Have An Eating Disorder, But Kind Of Do

TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains sensitive content regarding eating disorders.


I am happy with my weight and how my body looks.
I am not underweight or overweight, I am average and in-proportion.
I have no desire to lose, or gain weight.
I do not self harm.
I do not obsessively exercise, in fact I make a very poor effort.
I do not spend my time looking at 'thinspiration' accounts on Instagram.
I cannot remember the last time I stepped on the scales, I have no issue with my weight.
My eating habits have not changed drastically. It has been a very slow process that I have only picked up on recently.
I spend some days eating whatever I want and I do not feel bad.
I do not count calories, only carbohydrates.
I have never been on a diet nor have I thought about it.
I have never had a 'goal' or 'target' weight nor have I thought about it.

I don't think of myself as having an eating disorder, in fact I feel I am far from that. What I do have is disordered eating. My relationship with food is not healthy, and it hasn't been for over a year now.

I eat when I feel I deserve food.
I eat when I feel I have the energy to deal with the fluctuations it causes for my blood glucose levels.
I eat after I remind myself that if I carry on this will turn into an eating disorder.
I eat when I realise I have not eaten in 12 hours, and that I really should eat even though I am not hungry.
I treat food like a reward rather than a basic human necessity.
I treat food like a punishment, I think I have to eat or else others may begin to pick up on my unusual habits.

I eat when I absolutely HAVE to.

I see eating as a challenge.
I see eating as guilt.
I see eating as a way of losing control.
I categorise food into 'good foods' and 'bad foods'.
I do think seeing a counsellor would help change my thoughts about food.


And even after typing that, and hearing it for the first time, I still don't think I have an eating disorder. You wouldn't look at me and think 'eating disorder' and I don't look at myself and think 'eating disorder'. When does disordered eating become an eating disorder? Where do we draw that line?




Useful Links
Where do we draw the line?
Disordered Eating
What is the difference?

Please note - I fully intend on exploring my relationship with food in relation to diabetes specifically as this is the root of my issues. I also intend to continue this idea of mental health and the blurred lines between each diagnosis, or lack of in some cases.
I also do not want to worry any of my close friends and family with this post, rest be assured I am in contact with the relevant health care professionals. My complicated relatoinship with food is only something I have explored over the past 3 months, this is new for me. And in Amber's world, 'new' means scary.

All the best!

Amber xx

Twitter-  diabetes_geek