When You Don’t Really Have An Eating Disorder, But Kind Of Do

TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains sensitive content regarding eating disorders.


I am happy with my weight and how my body looks.
I am not underweight or overweight, I am average and in-proportion.
I have no desire to lose, or gain weight.
I do not self harm.
I do not obsessively exercise, in fact I make a very poor effort.
I do not spend my time looking at 'thinspiration' accounts on Instagram.
I cannot remember the last time I stepped on the scales, I have no issue with my weight.
My eating habits have not changed drastically. It has been a very slow process that I have only picked up on recently.
I spend some days eating whatever I want and I do not feel bad.
I do not count calories, only carbohydrates.
I have never been on a diet nor have I thought about it.
I have never had a 'goal' or 'target' weight nor have I thought about it.

I don't think of myself as having an eating disorder, in fact I feel I am far from that. What I do have is disordered eating. My relationship with food is not healthy, and it hasn't been for over a year now.

I eat when I feel I deserve food.
I eat when I feel I have the energy to deal with the fluctuations it causes for my blood glucose levels.
I eat after I remind myself that if I carry on this will turn into an eating disorder.
I eat when I realise I have not eaten in 12 hours, and that I really should eat even though I am not hungry.
I treat food like a reward rather than a basic human necessity.
I treat food like a punishment, I think I have to eat or else others may begin to pick up on my unusual habits.

I eat when I absolutely HAVE to.

I see eating as a challenge.
I see eating as guilt.
I see eating as a way of losing control.
I categorise food into 'good foods' and 'bad foods'.
I do think seeing a counsellor would help change my thoughts about food.


And even after typing that, and hearing it for the first time, I still don't think I have an eating disorder. You wouldn't look at me and think 'eating disorder' and I don't look at myself and think 'eating disorder'. When does disordered eating become an eating disorder? Where do we draw that line?




Useful Links
Where do we draw the line?
Disordered Eating
What is the difference?

Please note - I fully intend on exploring my relationship with food in relation to diabetes specifically as this is the root of my issues. I also intend to continue this idea of mental health and the blurred lines between each diagnosis, or lack of in some cases.
I also do not want to worry any of my close friends and family with this post, rest be assured I am in contact with the relevant health care professionals. My complicated relatoinship with food is only something I have explored over the past 3 months, this is new for me. And in Amber's world, 'new' means scary.

All the best!

Amber xx

Twitter-  diabetes_geek

Diabetes Is An Invalid Excuse.

Diabetes is an invalid excuse. It's 3am and I'm crying on my bedroom floor. This is the 4th time today my body has failed me, I don't know what else to do. Somehow the only comfort I get from this disease is knowing other people are in the same shit-storm. After 14 years I still go to bed each night praying my body will wake me if my glucose drops too low. How will I know if it doesn't alert me? Well I guess I'll find myself in a hospital ward with an IV glucose line.

Diabetes is an invalid excuse. I was supposed to go out today with my friends, we had a good day planned followed by an evening of cocktails but guess who's exhausted? I've been awake all night giving myself correction doses to lower my blood glucose levels. For whatever reason those two injections didn't work. The fractions of sleep I did get were rudely interrupted by the burning sensation of my dry throat and the dread of getting out of the warm bed to use to bathroom. Again.

Diabetes is an invalid excuse because I am labelled as 'lazy', 'unreliable' and 'a killjoy'. I cancel plans so often 'friends' have stopped making plans with me. I would apologise, but I don't really want to be up all night injecting every limb in my body either. I would much rather be out enjoying my life like any other 18 year old, but apparently I just 'cant be bothered'. "It'll be fun" they said. "You never come out anymore." Thanks for the reminder, buddy.

Diabetes is an invalid excuse because other people are worse off. "At least you can walk, talk and do as you please", it even feels bad to bring this subject up. Correct, people have it worse off but pain is all relative. Everyone's worries, concerns and anxieties are valid.


Diabetes is an invalid excuse due to the misconceptions. "It's not all that bad".. says someone with a fully functioning pancreas. "All she has to do is take a few shots a day" .. remind me of the pure terror you experience before you get vaccinations so you can jet off to the Mediterranean. I take the place of an organ, it's like asking someone who has an amputated leg why they may walk slowly on their prosthetic. Be mindful.


Diabetes is an invalid excuse.. I've begun to believe it myself. My whole life I've been told "diabetes will not stop you doing anything", so every time my body feels heavy, my head is pounding and I feel like I'm about to throw up, that all too familiar cycle of 'but diabetes shouldn't stop me from doing anything' starts. And so I convince myself I am lazy and unpredictable. I'm a crap friend, maybe I should just suck it up and get on with my life. Perhaps I should, but that feeling of being completely absorbed within the extreme fluctuating glucose levels is just so prominent.


Diabetes is an invalid excuse because I do (sometimes) believe it. Using diabetes as an excuse makes me feel weak, incapable and irresponsible. I'm 18 I should be able to cope on 6 hours sleep. My body is always so tired, there's not one morning I wake to feel fully rested. Even posting this I know will stir comments from the diabetes community, because for a lot of people, diabetes is an invalid excuse.

Diabetes is a valid excuse. I will say there are times that diabetes gets in the way of life and it's taken me 14 years to admit that and tell myself that is okay for now. If you're lucky enough that you have not had that experience then please be respectful of my journey and my diabetes.

This post has been inspired by Kelly Wynnes' "Anxiety Is An Invalid Excuse."