When You Don’t Really Have An Eating Disorder, But Kind Of Do

TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains sensitive content regarding eating disorders.


I am happy with my weight and how my body looks.
I am not underweight or overweight, I am average and in-proportion.
I have no desire to lose, or gain weight.
I do not self harm.
I do not obsessively exercise, in fact I make a very poor effort.
I do not spend my time looking at 'thinspiration' accounts on Instagram.
I cannot remember the last time I stepped on the scales, I have no issue with my weight.
My eating habits have not changed drastically. It has been a very slow process that I have only picked up on recently.
I spend some days eating whatever I want and I do not feel bad.
I do not count calories, only carbohydrates.
I have never been on a diet nor have I thought about it.
I have never had a 'goal' or 'target' weight nor have I thought about it.

I don't think of myself as having an eating disorder, in fact I feel I am far from that. What I do have is disordered eating. My relationship with food is not healthy, and it hasn't been for over a year now.

I eat when I feel I deserve food.
I eat when I feel I have the energy to deal with the fluctuations it causes for my blood glucose levels.
I eat after I remind myself that if I carry on this will turn into an eating disorder.
I eat when I realise I have not eaten in 12 hours, and that I really should eat even though I am not hungry.
I treat food like a reward rather than a basic human necessity.
I treat food like a punishment, I think I have to eat or else others may begin to pick up on my unusual habits.

I eat when I absolutely HAVE to.

I see eating as a challenge.
I see eating as guilt.
I see eating as a way of losing control.
I categorise food into 'good foods' and 'bad foods'.
I do think seeing a counsellor would help change my thoughts about food.


And even after typing that, and hearing it for the first time, I still don't think I have an eating disorder. You wouldn't look at me and think 'eating disorder' and I don't look at myself and think 'eating disorder'. When does disordered eating become an eating disorder? Where do we draw that line?




Useful Links
Where do we draw the line?
Disordered Eating
What is the difference?

Please note - I fully intend on exploring my relationship with food in relation to diabetes specifically as this is the root of my issues. I also intend to continue this idea of mental health and the blurred lines between each diagnosis, or lack of in some cases.
I also do not want to worry any of my close friends and family with this post, rest be assured I am in contact with the relevant health care professionals. My complicated relatoinship with food is only something I have explored over the past 3 months, this is new for me. And in Amber's world, 'new' means scary.

All the best!

Amber xx

Twitter-  diabetes_geek