Thursday, 1 December 2016

When You Don’t Really Have An Eating Disorder, But Kind Of Do

TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains sensitive content regarding eating disorders.

I am happy with my weight and how my body looks.
I am not underweight or overweight, I am average and in-proportion.
I have no desire to lose, or gain weight.
I do not self harm.
I do not obsessively exercise, in fact I make a very poor effort.
I do not spend my time looking at 'thinspiration' accounts on Instagram.
I cannot remember the last time I stepped on the scales, I have no issue with my weight.
My eating habits have not changed drastically. It has been a very slow process that I have only picked up on recently.
I spend some days eating whatever I want and I do not feel bad.
I do not count calories, only carbohydrates.
I have never been on a diet nor have I thought about it.
I have never had a 'goal' or 'target' weight nor have I thought about it.

I don't think of myself as having an eating disorder, in fact I feel I am far from that. What I do have is disordered eating. My relationship with food is not healthy, and it hasn't been for over a year now.

I eat when I feel I deserve food.
I eat when I feel I have the energy to deal with the fluctuations it causes for my blood glucose levels.
I eat after I remind myself that if I carry on this will turn into an eating disorder.
I eat when I realise I have not eaten in 12 hours, and that I really should eat even though I am not hungry.
I treat food like a reward rather than a basic human necessity.
I treat food like a punishment, I think I have to eat or else others may begin to pick up on my unusual habits.

I eat when I absolutely HAVE to.

I see eating as a challenge.
I see eating as guilt.
I see eating as a way of losing control.
I categorise food into 'good foods' and 'bad foods'.
I do think seeing a counsellor would help change my thoughts about food.

And even after typing that, and hearing it for the first time, I still don't think I have an eating disorder. You wouldn't look at me and think 'eating disorder' and I don't look at myself and think 'eating disorder'. When does disordered eating become an eating disorder? Where do we draw that line?

Useful Links

Where do we draw the line?
Disordered Eating
What is the difference?

Please note - I fully intend on exploring my relationship with food in relation to diabetes specifically as this is the root of my issues. I also intend to continue this idea of mental health and the blurred lines between each diagnosis, or lack of in some cases.
I also do not want to worry any of my close friends and family with this post, rest be assured I am in contact with the relevant health care professionals. My complicated relatoinship with food is only something I have explored over the past 3 months, this is new for me. And in Amber's world, 'new' means scary.

All the best!

Amber xx

Twitter-  diabetes_geek

1 comment:

  1. Hi Amber,

    I think you'll find a lot of people will relate to your articulate article. Food and lifestyle (and their inter-relationship (is that a word?)) is more of a major factor in everyone's lives than perhaps the majority of people are conscious about.

    There is one heck of a lot of media 'pressure' to eat this way, then that way - to look a particular way - to feel 'guilty' about being overweight / underweight / out of shape / etc. A lot of it is (in my opinion) manipulation of the masses to further the profits of big food retailers. Along with our ever increasing speed of living in the modern world. The French are one of the healthiest nations on the planet partly, in my opinion, because they take the time to be mindful about how they eat, typically two hours for lunch!

    I feel the 'modern' human race needs to get back to basics regarding food and perhaps even lifestyle too.

    Like yourself , I have found myself exploring my relationship with food in ever increasing intensity! So much so, that I firmly believe that a lot of the "Modern diseases" can be at least eased if not erradicated. For example I've reversed my Type 2 Diabetes - which is purportedly a progressive condition!

    I recognise your Diabetes is different to mine and would like to wish you well on your own personal journey - all our journeys are our own - which will be different to mine.

    Thank you for your thought provoking article.

    P.S. I particularly like your nod to the mental health aspect.